When 99% is never enough!

Those words used to race through my OCD infested brain constantly. The questions were never answered. During the worst periods, I would obsess about my sexuality 24/7 for months and sometimes years on end. There was no let up. And why, well if only I knew then what I know now.

No, I wasn’t going mad. No I wasn’t insane. No I wasn’t schizophrenic. I have OCD.

Today I don’t feel a failure; I am no longer embarrassed about my secret disorder. I am not over anxious or depressed. I have OCD and I am proud. I am proud because after years of uncertainty, years of not being able to live a normal life, I have eventually managed to stand up to it and start overcoming it.

My OCD developed during my teenage years when I would constantly obsess about my breathing. Basically, I would check that I was breathing and be conscious of this fact. This would last for months on end, then it would suddenly disappear. But it would come back, even stronger and more prolonged than before. I am now 29 years old. I still occasionally monitor my breathing but nothing like before.

My big problems started when I was 21 years old. I came home late one night and settled down to watch TV. At the time I had just recently split from a long-term girlfriend and was feeling quite low. A programme started on TV about the ups and downs of a gay relationship. I watched the programme, switched the TV off and settled down to sleep.

Then it appeared from nowhere. ‘What if I’m gay?’ ‘No wait a minute, I am gay’, ‘There is no way that I am gay’ ‘No chance’ ‘But what if?’.

I must have asked myself this question over a million times. No matter how much evidence there was to suggest I was straight, I could never be convinced. This went on for months and months and gradually got worse and worse. I started to believe that I was gay. I would constantly check out good looking guys in newspapers and magazines, shops, pubs, clubs, and on TV and gauge my reactions. This would make me worse. I was scared, really scared. I was attracted to women. All my sexual encounters had been with women. I had no interest in men.

Over the years, I came to live with my strange mental activities. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I just got on with it until last year when things got really bad. I was in a relationship with my girlfriend for 4 years, when the intrusive thoughts started to increase in frequency again. The last time it was really bad I was on my own and could cope. What would it be like now that I was living with someone.

Gradually things got worse and worse. My life was being controlled by my thoughts. I found it difficult to function both at work and socially. I had to tell Maz.

May 10th 2003 was the hardest day of my life. I told my girlfriend that I had constant intrusive thoughts of being gay. I told her that I had been fighting them for 6 years. I told her I loved her and wanted to be with her forever. We both cried and cried. She really tried to help me the best she could but 6 weeks later things were even worse. God only knows what was going through her mind.

We had booked a holiday to Cyprus during the summer and on reflection we shouldn’t have went. I was breaking down every day both emotionally and physically. I also started to get thoughts that my relationship was over. I didn’t know what was worse, the gay fears or the relationship fears. It was turning into the holiday from hell. Maz made me phone my mum and dad to explain everything, which I did.

When we got home I made an appointment to see my GP. I explained the situation over the past few years and to be quite honest, he looked totally bemused.

My parents eventually took the upper hand and contacted the priory clinic. Within 5 minutes of explaining my story to the therapist, he had diagnosed me with obsessive and intrusive thoughts. That was July 18th 2003. I took time off work, time out from social activity and started the process of piecing my life together again.

One year on and I feel 90% better. Maz and I have moved into a new house and we love every minute of it. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t have thoughts from time to time, but at the moment, they are well under control and I feel as if I’m living again.

If you want to know more about my story you can contact me via OCD-UK.

 

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