Every day is different, yet the same.
I wake up knowing that I have to do exactly the same as yesterday, if
I don't then the OCD will pick up on my latest "weakness" and
torture me.
Touch this touch that, put that shoe on again and again, until it feels
just right.
If I don't what will happen? My rational side says nothing,
but the stronger, convincing side says everything.
I try to ignore it, but it just feels safer to comply.
Sometimes I don't want to go out, if I get a certain feeling I think I'm
going to collapse, it just feels more secure to stay in.
A bottle of wine dulls it, numbs it, it's a few hours relief of what is
always so painful, physically draining and mentally confusing.
It can be so lonely, I look so normal, just organised and efficient.
Perhaps one day I will be free, perhaps one day it will stop being so
clever and knowing exactly which fears to prey on today.
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