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Dear OCD...

My Mind Outlined

Blog written by 'My Mind Outlined' ‏@mymindoutlined, January 2013.

Dear OCD...
Twenty years ago you entered my life and since then you have been with me every step of the way. You have been there with me constantly but unlike a loyal partner or friend, you have dragged me down in good times and dragged me down even further in bad times. You have been inside my head, like a broken record stuck on the same section and repeating the same thing over and over again. Making me anxious about doing everyday things and asking constant ‘what if’ questions. What if someone gets injured as a result of my actions? What if I, or someone around me falls ill because I haven’t washed my hands again?  You have made everything around me seem like a danger zone and I regularly feel compelled to carry out the tasks that, in my mind, will stop your constant questions in my head. But of course the questions don’t stop. No doubt something else will happen and you will start the whole cycle of questions again, this time much stronger and louder than before.

Every step I take and every decision I make is influenced by you. Nothing I do is without considering you and your presence and what your reaction might be. Yet this seems only to serve and strengthen your bullying ways.  It has made me live a life of constant fear and worry and denied me the joy and contentment in things that those around me seem able to enjoy. You leave me both mentally and physically exhausted and I regularly look forward to sleep to get a much-needed break from you. You have tried your best to stop me from leading a normal life. And you have succeeded. You have cost me so much. You have cost me normal, everyday things that others take for granted. But you have also cost me things that are so much more significant such as friendships, relationships and the chance to have a family. 

The longer I live with you, the more determined I am to get rid of you.

For something that plays a significant  part in my life, I find it very difficult to talk about you. How do I tell someone that this ‘thing’ has such control over me?  Many people do not understand your true nature. Many have heard of OCD but do not understand what you are really like. You seem to laugh at the fact that you are now used in every day language as people refer to their fussiness and tidiness as being ‘a little bit OCD’ without truly understanding what you are about.  

You may be laughing now, but I am determined to have the last laugh. The longer I live with you, the more determined I am to get rid of you.  I have now sought help in the form of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and now feel brave enough to start talking about you in an attempt to explain to others what a bully you are. I am ready to take you on so your days are numbered. I know you will always be there trying to worm your way into my life but I am determined that the next twenty years of my life will be about me controlling you, and not the other way around.

OCD-UK Editorial - Why not write your own 'Dear OCD' letter, either for yourself, or share with your therapist, or with OCD-UK.

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